As you’re probably aware, I started doing this writing privately, just for those who pledged their support on Ko-fi. Then I transitioned to writing a public newsletter with Hiiv, and most recently moved here to Substack.
My process for writing over that time has been very consistent—I beemind spending a half-hour each week writing, and whatever I have written, I pretty much publish. Not a lot of editing or revising. Mostly stream-of-consciousness.
When I was in high school and college I prided myself on my writing. It was one of the things I cared a lot about and put a lot of effort into. For a couple of years I started and ran a high school student newspaper. Between high school and college I interned at a magazine. In college I minored in English.
After college, I went directly into programming, and basically stopped writing entirely. That, some extended messy relationship challenges (in the rear-view mirror now, thankfully), a go-round with anxiety/depression, and a late ADHD diagnosis all added up to losing most of my confidence in my ability to think clearly and communicate effectively.
Writing on Ko-fi, in private, to literally only those people who were paying real money to say they wanted to support me (most of you are in that group—thank you 💚), allowed myself to dip my toes back into writing in a way that was emotionally manageable.
Going from that to writing publicly has been interesting.
On Ko-fi I think I expressed a lot of uncertainty, shared more freely about things I was actively struggling with, my doubts and questions. Some of that went away while I was still writing privately, but I feel like more of that disappeared when I went entirely public.
I don’t know how I feel about that.
Some of that is due to me being less anxious about writing again, feeling more comfortable talking with you, and maybe even feeling a bit more confident in life generally.
But I’m afraid some of it is the exact opposite—feeling anxious to be writing in public, to new people, strangers, who don’t know me. And so I’m inclined to hide, speak more formally, ask fewer questions, make statements as “we” instead of “I.”
I don’t like that part.
I feel as if I’m still trying to find my voice. Who am I talking to? What are we talking about? And, more importantly, who am I as the speaker? Why should you listen to me? How should I express myself? What’s worth expressing?
The other thing that complicates all this is that my motives never have been pure for this writing. I started the Ko-fi because I was struggling financially and was hoping I could build passive income. I’ve switched to writing publicly as a way to expand my reach in a way that will hopefully support my other money-making projects (mainly contracting and TaskRatchet). Heck, I’ve even added links to this very paragraph on the off-chance one of you decides you want to give me money in some way, indirectly or not.
I think my primary goal remains to write in order to think, in order to understand things better, get things out, in front of people who might have similar questions or ideas.
I don’t want to sell or convince or position. I want to think and talk with people just like you.
Maybe that’s why I’ve been enjoying this stream-of-thought format I’ve been using most of the time.
It does, though, fail when I decide too strictly what I’m going to write about before I start writing. I think I’ve fallen in that trap with the AI After TDD series. It’s an interesting topic, one I want to continue thinking about, exploring. But giving it too much structure has left me feeling like to some degree I’ve been writing just to write—finishing a checklist rather than sharing my thoughts.
Thank you for being here with me as I figure all this out. Means a lot.